Crossroads: In the Middle, What Do You Choose?

As I am sitting here in the middle of a situation for which I am just waiting for God to provide a solution, I am frustrated. I am frustrated with myself for oscillating between feeling good about my choices to stand up for what I believe to be right and feeling bad for the choices I am making and the impact they have on others. I am sad that I feel like a banner that says “Ye of little faith” is flying over my head at the moment, when I want so badly to believe that what I am doing is right and that God is moving, but at the same time I am doubting…I am wondering if God is proud of me and the decisions I am making or if He is like, this girl is missing the point!!

In the midst of this waiting and doubt, I decided to go in to Crossroads church, a place where my friends and I meet weekly to do our small group. I was here yesterday as well and while walking in today, I thought to myself…Well, here we are again at crossroads…since I was just here yesterday mid-day, last night, and now this morning too! I sat with the thought for a moment and I couldn’t help but laugh to myself as I realized how funny and true the comment was, both literally AND metaphorically. I am here again at the physical Crossroads church building, while at the same time, I am at a crossroad in this situation (still!), in which I am waiting for an answer to a drawn-out problem that has yet to be resolved for what feels to be a long, tiring amount of time.

I laughed too because I wrote a whole blog post yesterday about how confident I was in God and in the fact that He was moving and working in this situation while I am waiting, but something didn’t quite sit well with me for me to post it last night so I waited, as I told Ed that it didn’t quite feel right yet or like it was meant to be posted as it was.

I read over it again this morning hoping that I tweak it and post it but it sincerely felt like it would be fake to post it this morning as I felt like I had so quickly and easily lost my faith in God in the situation. I felt that it would be disingenuous to post it in the middle of my unbelief, all the while proclaiming my great faith in God! So, here we are now…

Originally, I wrote about how I had started to read the book of Joshua in the Bible and that when I started had a hard time believing that I’d be able to relate to the book because unlike the Israelites, I hadn’t wandered in the desert for 40 years and I had no literal rivers that I was going to be crossing that I knew of…so how could I relate?

I sit here now thankful God, because while I am not crossing any literal rivers, I do feel like God has spoken to me in the neatest ways through reading just the first few chapters of Joshua. While I am not in the middle of a literal river crossing, I am at a crossroads in which I am metaphorically “crossing” a raging river, just like the Israelites and I am faced with a choice that I have to make not once, but time and time again to believe God and to put my faith and trust in Him with in the middle of this river crossing/crossroad.

So, the story of Joshua…God gives very specific directions to Joshua about how to cross the river. He tells him that when the priests enter the river first and set their feet in the water that the flow of water will be cut off and the river will stand up like a wall so that they can cross through on dry land. God’s plan was to transform a flowing river into dry land during the harvest season when the Jordan river was overflowing it banks…so not only did God plan to have them cross a river, but a RAGING river at that. I know that if I had been there I would’ve been questioning and wondering if God maybe meant for us to cross in a few months once the water went down…Then I thought to myself that maybe God did that intentionally, asking them to cross at the most impossible time for His glory to be shown and for them to truly experience a most unexpected miracle…to grow their faith BECAUSE of the most unbelievable circumstances and timing that God was asking them to walk through! Under the leadership of Joshua, they choose to obey and to cross the river!

The Israelites begin to cross and as the feet of the priests who were carrying the ark touch the water at the river’s edge, the water began backing up a great distance…until it was a dry riverbed, just as God said would happen. It says that then all the people crossed over but that the priests stood on dry ground in the middle of the riverbed as the people passed by. They waited there until the whole nation of Israel had crossed on dry ground. Can you imagine being the priests? The ones standing and staying in the middle of the riverbed that was just raging?? What faith!

A little further on into the story it gives more detail, reiterating that the priests who were carrying the Ark stood in the middle of the river while everyone crossed and adding that meanwhile, the other Israelites hurried across the riverbed.

My revelation yesterday: It makes me sad to think that the Israelite people were literally experiencing a miracle and their natural inclination was to hurry through it, rather than to be like the priests…firmly planted, trusting, and experiencing the miracle God was literally walking them through.

My conviction today: I am sad that I am the Israelites. I am the one hurrying across the riverbed. I am scared, full of fear and doubt that God IS working in this situation because it hasn’t panned out the way I imagined that it would this morning.

I realized then and I realize now that God is and will continue to ask me to make a choice: I can choose to be like the priests or I can choose to be like the people. Will I stand and be patient for the Lord, confident in Him while He works everything out, or will I hurry through with fear deeply rooted in my heart to just get through the situation as quickly as possible?

The TRUTH in this situation is that God can cause great opposition to disappear at any given moment that he chooses. Though our challenges may feel too great to us, they are not too great for God. He can do anything!

I am reminded of the importance of reading the Bible DAILY…Of saturating (as my wonderful co-teacher likes to say) your environment with scripture, worship songs, and prayer…It is so EASY for us to lose faith! So we HAVE to remind ourselves of truth and continually be asking the Holy Spirit to help lead and guide our every decision, conversation, thought, etc…

So here is the CHOICE I am making AGAIN in FAITH today…While I am waiting for God to move, I will wait with faith and confidence like the priests. I will be still and quiet. I will trust Him and remind myself that He gives me everything I need while I wait. I will remind myself that the Bible says that He calls me beside peaceful streams, and I will be patient until He calls me to make a move at my own crossroads. When He does, I pray I have the courage to finish crossing it with faith and not fear…to stand FIRM and CONFIDENT in His power and might!

I am making a choice that even when things don’t seem to be going the way I think they should, that I trust God. We have a choice in every situation to either make ourselves a victim to our circumstances or to see God moving, ask Him to reveal His presence, and wait…

I am making a choice to give thanks. To keep praying. To keep hoping! I will continue to rejoice and be obedient step by step, day by day. I will look to God, rather than to my circumstances. I know that no matter where God has me and no matter what happens, that I am upheld securely by the hand of God. I believe in a good, loving, God who is in control of ALL things. I will see my circumstances as opportunities for me to learn and to grow closer to God, knowing that the hardest times often bring me the closest to God and that God uses all things…no matter how this situation turns out, I trust that God has my best at heart.

Some of my all-time favorite verses come from Ecclesiastes 3:10-11 which says that God has made everything beautiful in its time. I have a tendency to be like the Israelites and to rush through things that are hard because I want it to be over with, but this verse continually pushes me and brings me to tears as God reminds me gently that everything has a place, a purpose, and a time in our lives…even the things that don’t feel good. I’m reminded of how much He has taught me over my first years of teaching, and I am so grateful. When I look back, there is nothing I would change, even though it was hard. I wouldn’t choose to go to an “easier” school or place…I instead can now see how God grew me and helped me through and I am so so grateful for that and for how close it has brought me to Him. I know that sometime in the future, I will look back at this and feel the same way! God WILL get me through this crossing!

The song below has been on repeat for me…I love the rawness of it and the beauty and simplicity of her voice and the words. I can relate to it all…my mind racing, thoughts all over the place, feelings not lining up to what I know to be true…all until God’s voice comes in. I’m reminded that I’m not alone and that God will fight my battles if I am still and if I am quiet and let Him speak.

I don’t need to know what comes next…tomorrow is in God’s hands. I trust Him with my future, which He already sees. With God, I have all that I need. He will make all of this beautiful, in His timing. Today I choose Him. Today I choose faith…today I choose to wait on the Lord and to be led by the Holy Spirit while in the middle of my crossing. I wait in FAITH!